The D word

I don't know what it is about November that makes me evaluate the year, maybe it's the prospect of another New Years Eve appearing on the horizon, or maybe it's because with the anniversary of losing the man against which I measured all men, I am reminded how fragile life is. Losing my Grandad was a bitter pill to swallow. That's the selfish streak in me, I know that he is having an absolute ball where he is now, but what I would give for one last mix tape of crazy war time songs!

I had high expectations of 2014, and I wanted it to end neatly, all topped off with a satin ribbon, but reality has a way of dashing picturesque notions. Last year my world caved in, and I was determined that this year I would walk all over destruction, devastation and disillusion in a pair of four inch heels. For the most part I did, and then I got sick with shingles and those heels got slung into a cupboard because dizzy spells rendered them useless. A doctor told me I had shingles a few months back, then a subsequent doctor told me I needed nerve medicine for neuralgia, then I collapsed in Starbucks.

Ya, that actually happened. And, quite frankly it was mortifying. The store could not have been busier if it tried! So anyway, yet another doctor prescribed more pain meds, but still the stabbing pains in my head would continue. When I saw another doctor, I welled up with panic at what on a earth could be causing horrific slicing through my scalp for more than two months. I told him I thought it might be something more sinister, and he spoke softly, looked me square in the eye and said ' I'm not concerned it is anything sinister. What you are experiencing is a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of stress.'

And I could have hugged that doctor right there and then. He adjusted my meds and I physically felt some tension leave my body as I walked out of his office.

But, oh my goodness does the medication make me drowsy and woozy. Now I am taking the nerve meds just at night time, so if you text me after 9pm, don't be thinking you'll get a reply because let's just say that sleep comes really easy now!

You'd be forgiven for thinking that I'm just about to wrap this up, but that was just a prelude. Now it's about to get real.

Last year my soon to be ex-husband broke my heart and my world. He left us for good, drove away not to return. And as I dried the tears of my sobbing children whispering 'it'll be okay, it'll all be alright' in between chest heaving sobs of my own, I wondered deep down whether it would ever be alright ever again.

By grace alone we got through that horrible season and as I pieced together their worlds the best I could, I discovered that even though hearts are fragile, love is not. There's nothing I wouldn't have done for those girls to ease their sadness and clarify their confusion. I loved them so fiercely through those months that if anything threw them off or saddened them, my angry mama bear instinct flared up every time. 

And now that the D word is upon us, we have normalised in the only way we know how. It's closure of the saddest time, and hope for a brighter future.

I have felt the lavishness of grace and I have walked the mountain top and the valley, and I am thankful for both. It's so comforting when you come to the realisation that ALL things work together for good to those that love The Lord.